it's about time

i am starting to feel like myself again. halle-freakin-lujah. although i've only seen my new doc twice, she is the best doctor i've ever been to in my entire life. she's identified major issues that i've been struggling with for years and i'm already feeling better. she cares, and that makes all the difference. i'm thrilled, but also furious at all those half-ass doctors that kept brushing me off. i want to send them a scathing letter telling them where they can stick it. damned lazy losers.

i'm also excited because the hubs and i planted the seedlings of a new plan. i will continue working at my hell-hole (but well-paying job) for 6 months to a year: we will pay off all our debt besides our house, and then we'll be set for me to quit and open my own business. i can hardly wait. i know it will be an amazing amount of work, but i can't wait.

photo via ffffound.

THE plan

i've hesitated discussing the plan. somehow, putting the plan into words would mean acknowledging that the plan had ::gasp:: failed, and i wasn't ready for that. but i think i need to say the words - i think i need to let the universe know that i'm open to a new plan . . .

the fear of admitting the plan isn't anything new. how many times as a child were we asked what do you want to be when you grow up? i imagine i was not alone in hesitating to answer that question truthfully for a long, long time. i didn't want to hear the pitied "oh that's so ambitious" or the sarcastic "good luck with that," or even the realistic statistics of my chance for success. so instead, i'd answer with something safely achievable: i want to be an accountant, a lawyer, a teacher.

but my real answer, what i wanted to be, what i planned my life around was becoming an fbi agent. maybe that's anticlimactic to you, but to me, the appeal of being part of the most elite law enforcement agency in the world was unrivaled. i avidly read all the true crime books i could get my hands on as a child. my favorite movie growing up was FEDS (about two women pursuing a career with the fbi). its difficult for me to articulate exactly what sparked this desire: its probably a combination of helping others, feeling powerful, and being part of something so revered. and i was determined to turn this desire into reality through carefully executed planning and preparation.

almost every decision i made from high school on was made after considering will this help me get there? my selection of college courses, my grad school program, my forensics training, my current job: all were strategic choices to help me fulfill my dream, my plan. and i was almost there. i passed the personality and psychology profile. i passed the written exam. i'd aced the interview portion (which some professional recruiters consider the most difficult interview process in existence). i was in the best shape of my life. i was just a step away from heading to the fbi academy when the plan started to crumble.

the specifics of why the plan crumbled will be the subject of another lengthy post on another rainy day. but what started as sore muscles and annoying headaches has turned into knee-buckling migraines and muscle/joing pain so severe that sometimes i cannot walk up stairs. almost two years of exams, mris, xrays, blood tests, biopsies, and more, i'm not much closer to knowing what's wrong. but i do know this: knowing what i know now, i don't think my dream or my plan would have been any different. because its not necessarily the actualization of the dream that fulfills us, but having the dream - having something to hope for and work towards - that keeps us going. and that's where the implosion of the plan has left me feeling lost: i need a dream, and i need a plan. and i'm not quite sure where to find either.

letter to nie

dear stephanie,

thank you for your moving post on monday. my heart wrenched deeply as i read your post - not only because i feel so horrible that you have to endure so much physical and emotional pain, but also because i empathize. i really do.

i have never suffered something as catastrophic as an airplane crash, but i have been in life-altering amounts of physical pain for the past year and a half that i am no longer to be the rikki i used to be. nor am i able to be the rikki i want to be, and that is actually harder for me to deal with than the pain itself. the doctors have inaccurately diagnosed me with about six different autoimmune disorders, put me through a million tests, mris, scans, etc. and they still don't have an answer. they all agree - i have something, but what that something is, they just aren't sure. the latest suspected culprit is mastocytosis. we'll see. can't say i'm optimistic at this point about them ever finding out what is wrong.

but enough about me. back to you. thank you for being an inspiration to us all. your faith, strength, and love shine through every word you write. when you said "i get to change the way i look at life and how i can help someone else in need," just know this: you have already helped at least one person. you've helped me change the way i look at my life.

much love and admiration,
rikki

image via ffffound

boots

i'm wearing my boots today. don't know what boots i'm talking about? click here.

with these boots on, i feel:

sexy

powerful

untouchable

amazing what a good pair of shoes can do for you.

i rule school

be ready to be shocked: i actually followed through with my little listy-list yesterday. i took a nap (the puppies cuddled up with me - amazing!), shopped online (may have found the light fixture for the new room), worked out (thank you stair stepper and medicine ball), did more chores, and worked on a necklace that i am very proud of. i rule.

feeling trapped

last night was not my best. the hubs is out of town, i have a depressed dog, i am so unchallenged at work, i'm feeling creatively stumped, and the rain won't let up. where do you go when you can feel the clouds rolling in? i followed the sage advice of my sage mother and distracted myself by cleaning the house. "it always feels better, more manageable when things are clean," she says. and she was right. i felt a bit better as i fell asleep last night.

but then i woke up, and guess what? its raining today. again. and it will be all week. and for a girl used to the so cal weather and the infinite outdoor opportunities, the rain feels like a prison sentence. but now i'm just being dramatic, because a prison sentence it is not. nor can i allow it to become one, or to dictate my state of mind. so, i'm coming up with a list of all the things i can do indoors in the hours after work but before bed. and tv is not allowed.

i can read.

i can sew.

i can work on rikki road jewelry projects.

i can nap. doesn't get much better than a mid-day doze.

i can take a bath in the big jacuzzi tub.

i can do a little julia childs in the kitchen.

i can blog. but will you read??

i can shop online for my guest-bedroom shabby-chic remodel.

i can play fetch with the puppies in the long hallway.

i can workout.

i can songwrite.

so many things i CAN do. but i probably won't. because my motivation is laaaaaacking, friends.

looking at things a little differently

it's a little awkward starting a blog, isn't it? i mean, you are basically writing to yourself until others decide your thoughts are worth their time. and the until part is a bit iffy. old rikki would have had a plan to lure you in. new rikki just wants to be out there. LIVING THE LIFE. instead of the plan.


that's the sun, in case you were wondering. (nasa)