my first crush

i remember the first time i saw him. i was in fifth grade, and was starting a new elementary school. he wasn't in my class, but i saw him in the lunch line and *swooned.* he had the bluest eyes i'd ever seen - years later, my girlfriend and i would refer to him as "obe" for ocean blue eyes.

the crush lasted five years. you read that right. five long years. he was a jock, and a i was a nerd of the nerdliest kind, so there was never a chance that my affections would be returned. it didn't keep this girl from pining, though.

then i met nick, who became my first boyfriend, and it was obe? obe who?? in retrospect, i am pretty embarrassed that i crushed on ocean blue eyes for so long: we had nothing in common. zip. zero. zilch. he was the quarterback, i was the president of national honor society. he was a party boy. i was a good girl. his future was college football. my future was the world.

i don't know what obe is doing with his life. after finding this picture, i know he went on an LDS mission (he's on the left), but i can tell you that if our paths crossed now, i don't know that i'd even look twice (and not just because i'm married). but because i'm not the same person i was in junior high, and although its presumptuous of me to say this - i suspect he is.

the handey man

"playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings." -- jack handey

i don't know why i find jack handey so funny. probably because my high school friends and i liked to quote the handey man to each other in the hallways at s-k-y-l-i-n-e (go EAGLES!). i still roll when i hear a piece of his sage advice.

dating genius

remember when i went on that lengthy diatribe about the kosher-ness of discussing past relationships? well, i'm going to make good on my word, and talk about one of my dating propensities: dating genius.

i'm a smart girl. i did well in school. but i'm no mensa material. i'm not even ivy league material. and i'm okay with that. but in high school, i wasn't. i felt like i'd drawn the short straw because i really wanted to be one of the super-smart kids - one of the kids that didn't have to work at it, like i did. i studied every minute of every day and still got an A- in my first semester calculus class. it killed me. moreover, it killed me that other students who didn't spend a fraction of the time studying as much i did, easily earned an A in calc, or a perfect 1600 on their SATs. you know the kind.

i know the kind. i dated the kind. i dated a literal mensa genius in high school, and another in college. i suspect a third bf was mensa material, too, but he "didn't want to be labeled." some girls go crazy for the bad boys - i went crazy for the nerds.

here's my dime-store psychology take on why i dated genius: i was looking for something in someone else that i had insecurities about in myself. i was insecure about my intelligence. sure, i was smart. but i wasn't the smartest. and none of us like to settle for second best, but by dating the smartest, somehow i was part of the club.

turns out, though, that dating an intellectual genius equates to dating an emotional retard. while these boys excelled academically, they had the emotional depth of my neighbor's kiddie pool. when interacting with acquaintances, those shallow social skills performed just fine. but when it came to an actual relationship, where you have to give of yourself, learn from your partner, be a team: big fat failures.

i don't want to make it sound like these guys are bad guys: they are good people. they are just not good partners (for me, at least). i prefer a man to tell me i look "pretty" instead of "healthy." i prefer a man who would rather spend some of his free time with me, rather than reading the latest publication on quantum physics or post-cold war political analysis. i prefer a man who understands non-verbal cues and doesn't say "what a perfect day" to a family who has just lost their grandmother. i prefer a man who knows that there is more to life than knowing facts.

i guess emotional intelligence, like intellectual intelligence, is something you have or you don't. you can work at it all you want, but eventually you're going to reach your god-given limit. my god-given intellectual limit was an A- minus in calculus. and the boy geniuses' limit in the emotional department: a D+, at best.
i think i'm the one that drew the long straw, after all.

high school reunion

my 10 year high school reunion is this year. when i was younger - and more foolish - and more idealistic - i imagined my high school reunion in romy-and-michelle-flash-forward fashion. no, i wasn't going claim i'd invented post-its, but i figured i would have mastered the plan. and with the plan in hand, i'd walk back in that hell hole and showing all the b*tches and the jocks just what a success i'd become. oh, and i'd be skinny, too.

now, here we are. ten years later (can't believe it!). now i'm older - less foolish - and much less idealistic. my plan tanked. i'm not skinny. and i have absolutely no intention of going back. not now, not ever. and i'm not not going because my plan failed or because i'm not skinny, but because i just don't care to relive any part of high school whatsoever. it was not a fun time for me. it did not mark "the best years of my life." if i have to see one more slide show montage of all the cool kids in their glory days set to a U2 ballad, i will violently vomit.

i'm not even sure that i'll get invited to my high school reunion. well, not the one that i'd even consider going to, that is. you see, my family moved my senior year of high school, so i did not graduate with the kids i spent my whole life growing up with. i graduated with strangers (minus the five girls you see in the picture above - can you guess which one i am?!?). i don't want to go to a high school reunion full of strangers. then again, i don't want to go to the reunion with the kids i did grow up with, so i guess its moot.

it all boils down to this: i may not be the person i imagined that i would be. but i like who i am. i like the journey i've taken to get here. or maybe i'm trying to like myself and my journey. and i don't need people i really don't care about to derail that progress of validate my efforts. the people i need validation from are the people i love. people i'm still in touch with. and i don't need to go any farther than home to find that.

besides, if i'm really curious as to what happened to a fellow classmate, i can just blogstalk. :P