i am a chicken shit

i am so thoroughly disappointed in myself.

despite the incredibly empowering decision i made last month to quit my job, i am staying. inside my head, i'm kicking and screaming, trying to talk my logical self into realizing that this job is absolutely murdering my will to live. with each and every un-stimulating moment i spend glued to the computer, this job is eroding my intelligence. pleeeeeease quit! pleeeeeeeeease!

yet, my logical mind prevails. sure, we can afford for me to not work for a little while, but what if i can't find another job? i have been looking steadily for several months, and haven't had a single nibble. not-a-one. apparently, the portland market is one of the five worst in the nation for finding a job right now. and a job that pays the nearly 80k i make now? yeah, not so much.

i don't want to be this logical person. i want to live carefree. i want to disregard the bills and the loans, and do what makes me happy. isn't that what life is about, after all? not real life. real life sometimes means doing what you don't want to do so that one day, you'll be able to do what you want to do. i'm just tired of waiting for that one day. and scared that it may never get here.